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Old Wives Tell Us

December 20, 2011

Recently I got to over hear some young people talking. It boggled my mind.

Yes, they are the techno generation and they know all there is to know, about all things digital. They Facebook and iPhone and Wii but simple common sense things that I learned, not even really knowing how I learned them, these techno savvy nincompoops simply have no working clue about why they are important.

Here are a bakers’s dozen of good to know things some oldwives told me. By the way, a dozen is 12 and a baker’s dozen is 13.

1. Mixing ammonia and bleach will create caustic fumes always every time regardless of how small the amounts.

2. Irregardless is not a word. The word is regardless, regardless of however you mean it.

3. Never touch electrical things with wet hands.

4. Thanksgiving is observed on the 4th Thursday every November.

(I heard someone genuinely say, “Well since Thanksgiving fell on a Thursday this year…”dumbass) Now, Easter is a little trickier and moves around from year to year based on the Spring Equinox and the full moon before it, but I can promise you this, IT WILL ALWAYS BE ON A SUNDAY!

5. And speaking of Equinoxes and such, the Winter Solstice or the 1st day of winter has the shortest daylight of the year – the very next day, the daylight begins to lengthen minute by minute. Think about it, Spring is starting to come even before Christmas!

6. The Underground Railroad had nothing to do with TRAINS!

7. When you get a pimple on your tongue you probably need a laxative.

(Sadly, when this happens now, you probably need an HIV test)

8. Never eat oysters during a month not containing an R in the spelling (May, June, July, and August) I thought this was stupid until I ordered fried oysters one July day. I was baffled by how puny and flavorless they were and I was pissed by how my stomach griped. I later found out it has something to do with their spawning period making the months September, October, November, December, January, February, March and April best for their consumption. Of course Granny didn’t know all of that, she just knew eat the little buggers in a month without an R and your stomach will ROARRRRRRRR!

9. Send Thank You cards – not emails or text messages, but real cards in your own handwriting with a stamp in a timely manner.

10. Use the emergency brake when parking on a hill and be sure to take it off when you are done – if you don’t the car will still drive but it will drive jerky and fugg up your brakes.

11. When jumping a car battery, after you’ve attached the cables to the good battery don’t let the cables touch, it’s kinda like touching electrical things with wet hands. Don’t believe me? Do it! Ha!

12.  Dogs and children know where love is and can always be trusted. If a dog or a child doesn’t like someone pay close attention.

13.  Say your prayers each night! It doesn’t have be the now I lay me down to sleep variety, but do take a moment to appraise the day with thanks in anticipation for the day to come.

So maybe none of these are news flashes for you but they are simple things you won’t learn in school that can make your day-to-day endeavors go a little more smoothly. Especially the ammonia bleach compound thingy.


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