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Time of Death

May 12, 2010

Today is the 1-month anniversary of the death of my last living relative.
It’s an odd feeling.

I’ve struggled through loss and grief of various varieties for a lifetime.
Each time I learn – I grow – I question.

My re-socialization with Buddhism was ushered in with the death of my Mother in 2005.
From that time to the present I have been on the odyssey of refining my truth.

In popular recording artist Sade’s hit single titled “Soldier”, the refrain goes something like, “ I’ve lost the use of my heart but I’m still alive…still looking for life, the endless pool on the other side” The song has another powerful verse that says, “I’m at the borderline of my faith; I’m at the hinterland of my devotion, in the frontline of this battle of mine but I’m still alive ”. She couldn’t have expressed my sentiments any more precisely if she tried.

Reared as a non-demonational Christian with a bent pointed sharply toward the effects of Cause and Effect; the concepts of Buddhism have always resonated with me.

Having buried my last living-loving blood relation who lived his life as a devout Christian and who also served as my Godfather during my traditional Christening I am once again at the borderline of my Faith.

He believed with an unshakeable Faith that his passing from this life would guarantee him everlasting life with his Lord Jesus Christ and with all of the loved ones who have passed on before him.

I have never been clear on that concept or any concept for that matter. But today on the 1 month anniversary of his passing, I wish, pray, hope that his Faith is true for him!

I further pray that everyone’s Faith is true for them – whatever they profess it to be.

Honestly I don’t know the answers. I hope to one day. But I don’t know if I ever will. But I am hopeful.

Who’s to say if your death relegates you to a perceived Heaven or Hell of sorts? Or if your death will move you into your next physical body and human experience or if your death will cause you to now be a dung beetle or a majestic gazelle or a polar bear suffering through the difficulties of global warming and the melting ice caps? Or to be a cool calming breeze that touches our faces on a hot muggy day?

I don’t know.

What I do know is that I am still here.
Everyone I have loved is gone, but I am still here.

I question why?
Is my mission to tell our stories? No one is left who knows the stories.
Is my mission to seek justice for what I am certain are questionable circumstances surrounding is operating room death?

Is my mission to leave a legacy that will last throughout the sands of time for people to use in determining their own legacies?

I don’t know.

What I do know is that I miss my beloved.

What I don’t know is if he misses me too?
What I don’t know is if he is still as near to me as he ever was only on a different frequency that I cannot fully access?

What I do know is that going through his things trying to settle his affairs and trying to bring close to all the tangible things that make a life I am learning more of who he was.

What I continue to learn moves me in ways I never imagined moveable.

I always knew he loved me. I learn each day just how much.
I find letters I wrote and pictures I drew for him, as a little girl that he kept sacred among his belongings. I ache knowing I have no one to share these findings with, who will truly get their value.

I learn that he questioned his Faith over and over but his questions always ended with the choice to believe in the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

Oh how I wish for that kind of certainty. Certainty in what ever – The Gospel, the Gohonzon – the God in Me – whatever, just a certainty!

Certainty is an amazing gift, wherever it lies. My beloved had that gift.

I am uncertain
I long for certainty.

So on this May 12th day, 30 days from the day I stood by his side as the scrubs and the lab coats called time of death I will be certain. I will be certain that everyone’s Faith is true for them. And that those who have no Faith will define and refine their personal truth and once defined nothing will shake them from it.

Rest well my Love.
I hope I will see you again and know that it is you. And that you will also know that you are seeing me.
I hope that you are at peace and happy and content in your Faith.
I hope that the truth of your passing will be made crystal clear.
I hope
I hope
I hope
I hope and most of all I miss you.

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